Abstinence
What is Abstinence?
Abstinence means not having (abstaining) from sexual activity or sex for a period of time. Some people choose to abstinent until in a committed relationship, some until marriage, and some for their entire lives. One can choose to abstain after being sexually active, or choose to abstain for a short time- the word isn't only attached to those who have never had sex. The important thing to know is that abstinence is a choice that can be made for any reason at all.
One may choose to abstain from sexual activity for a number of different reasons, some are:
* Avoiding possible pregnancy or STI transmission
* Waiting until it 'feels' like the right time with a special person, until in a committed relationship, or until marriage.
* Reasons relating to family or peers
* Religious or spiritual reasons
* Wanting to focus on personal goals, i.e. school or career
* Taking time to heal from a traumatic experience, a bad relationship, or a physical injury
* Simply not feeling ready yet
What Does it Really Mean to be Abstinent?
Well, that depends on the person. People set their own limits based on what they're comfortable with. Some people define abstinence as not having penis-in-vagina sex, some as not having oral or piv, some as not having genital contact, some as not being sexual with a partner at all. Some will not be romantically involved with a partner or will not touch a member of the opposite sex at all before marriage (in traditional Jewish culture this is known as being shomer). Some will be comfortable masturbating, others won't. It is entirely a personal decision.
Part of being abstinent for many college students is a pressure, from classmates and friends or the greater society, to be sexual in ways that are outside of their realm of comfort. It is often a hard decision to make or keep to, especially in college settings, and should be respected. There is nothing unhealthy about being abstinent in the same way that there is nothing unhealthy about choosing to be sexually active (when practicing safer sex). For many, abstinence is a choice for health reasons.
Aren't Abstinence and Asexuality the Same?
No. People who are abstinent are choosing to not engage in sexual activity in some way, but there is a desire to. Asexual people don't have that same desire. While PSE training includes information about asexuality, we feel that AVEN (the Asexual Visibility and Education Network), which can be found at http://www.asexuality.org, can explain asexuality better than we.
Many asexuals can see that other people are aesthetically attractive to them but see this beauty as no different from looking at a beautiful painting or a stunning sunset. Others might find other people sexually attractive. These asexuals have a low sexual intensity, while they are aware of their attractions they are not motivated to act upon them further than looking. The important distinction between asexual people and sexual people is that asexuals are not motivated to be sexual with the people they find physically attractive (and may not find anyone physically attractive at all).
You're Always a Sexual Person †
Being abstinent doesn't mean you stop being a sensual or sexual person. Sexual activity is only one way to express affection and sexuality.
You might find that not having sex will make you appreciate your sexuality more fully. Choosing to be abstinent can give you the opportunity to explore other creative ways to express your sexuality and affection.
Abstinence is a choice that can be made at any time. It can be a lifelong choice, or one that lasts for a short while, but it is a normal, healthy way to live.
Back to Sex
† Taken from the "Getting What You Want From Abstinence" pamphlet (1996),
available at Health Services
Written by Gwen Reichert '07
Last Updated: 8-19-05
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