October 9, 1985 Class of 2008 Mathematics and Computer Science Major Super Bass, Vocal Percussion I want to be a stay-at-home dad. Of course, only AFTER I have traveled the world with my good friend Archibald, the world's most flexible Sherpa, committing lewd and lascivious acts and avoiding student loan collectors. Having followed our mojo to the four corners of the world, we will eventually find ourselves to be (financially) well-endowed ex-patriots, living a life of extreme contentment somewhere in the Alps. One day, as we are lounging on our sofa made of alpaca hairs (vegan-friendly, of course, having been gathered one by one by the alpaca's personal manservant Lloyd as they were naturally shed throughout the course of several years while she and the other alpacas grazed contentedly on the rolling hills of our estate), Archibald directs my attention to the glowing screen of his solar-powered laptop, whereon he has displayed a late-breaking news article about the discovery of a simple, painless, inexpensive and animal-friendly means of creating artificial sperm from eyelashes. "Uncle Damien's corn cob pipe!" I cry. Not only do I delight at the idea of being able to impregnate, but as those who know me well will attest, my eyelashes fall out at an alarming rate, and so I will have copious amounts of freshly shed lashes to convert into a plethora of spermatozoa. Huzzah! Archibald and I throw a great festival in honor of the Eyelash Sperm, and there is much rejoicing. Sadly, on my voyage down the mountain, my eyelashes will be singed off during a freak flaming wolverine dance accident, and I will once again be rendered spermless. But never fear! The doctor who treats my eyelash injury is not only one of the most skilled medical practitioners in all the land, she is also the mother of three wonderful children. She and I fall in love before first sight (as my eyelids had to be sewn closed for several months while I recovered), and her children and I become fast friends. Thus, I become a proud stay-at-home dad, spending my days teaching the children many important life lessons and living happily ever after.