"Jess is psycho gay goth fencing bitch, but at least she doesn't plague me as much as Laura and her "literature." For God's sake, woman, just because we're both English majors doesn't give you the right to torment me day in and day out. I'll have to have my boyfriend whittle me a pair of earplugs." --Mera


















"Laura followed me to Scotland and forced whiskey upon me, of both the Highland and Lowland varieties. This started my lifelong battle with alcoholism. Oh woe! My beautiful green land of sheep and Sean Connery is forever ruined by the stinking taint of Passin!" --Camille


















"My spiritual advisor told me it will be years before I can cleanse myself of the evil Jess and Laura brought into my life. I can only hope that the strains of Neil Diamond pulsing through my skull will drive out their pernicious influence." --Carolyn




























"Jess is obviously the cause of the great weight on my shoulders." --Scott


























"They sold me to Delia's as a catalogue model/slave. Here I am pretending to be fishing, in a very coy and prepubescent manner. Could anything be more humiliating? Damn you, Jess and Laura, for the mockery you have made of my life." --Lynne




























"Laura has been a soul-crushing influence on me this year. I used to have a life, hanging out with bad boys and cruising the dangerous streets of Westhampton. Now all I do is drink Captain Morgan's and watch Crocodile Hunter. Oh what has become of my life?!?!?" --Charlene (left)

















"I've known---God, I can barely say her name--- Laura for five years now, and in those five years, I've changed from a God-fearing, dutiful young boy to a streetwise, Tori-listening, drug-using fag. Just look at this picture! How did I get up here? I DON'T REMEMBER. All the drugs Laura used in her failed attempt to seduce me have left me with no memories I can call my own. I can only hope that the Hell I burn in will be more merciful than this." --Jeremy















"I will never forget the day that Laura and I hid from OUR OWN FRIENDS in a Barnes & Noble store. We sat, crouching behind the little cafe, hoping they wouldn't see us, all for "kicks." Why did Laura make me avoid the only other people who would talk to me in high school? Why wouldn't she let me have a meaningful conversation with friendly people? As I threw myself on the floor to wiggle my way to a trash can, I realized the true horror of my life: crawling the dirty floor of a corporate mega-store, my "friend" looking on in glee, embodying the truest evil I've ever known. Damn." --Taliesein the Blue


















"Diane, I awoke today to the realization that despite my long love affairs with Jess and Laura, they are both horrible people who do not deserve even one fine cup of coffee." --Special Agent Dale Cooper


















"Look at me! Just look at me!" --Dave the Penguin
























More Photographic Evidence

Carolyn flees for her life
Laura oppresses Camille with her enormous chin
Jess' family honestly thinks this is funny
The Weekly World News turned this man to bronze
Bring your toothbrush to the bathroom...
While Jess mimes being stuck in a box, John mimes performing fellatio on a very tall man
"They're not Siamese twins, they're holding hands!"


bye bye love, bye bye happiness