i can't decide whether to leave this called "I Have a Hole in My Underwear," or to change it to "Pixy Conspiracy." thoughts?

I Have a Hole in My Underwear

28 June 2002

I just went to the bathroom and I noticed there's a hole in my underwear. Now I realize this isn't the kind of thing people normally share, but there it was. Not one of those big ones like where I'm supposed to put my legs, or the rest of me, just small, jagged-edged, insidious hole in the back just below the elastic. The kind that looks like it threatens to spread if you move just wrong. It makes me wonder if it's a symbol for something else.

This is the kind of thing that makes me think I need to go out tomorrow and buy new underwear, even though I know I certainly have more than enough. I mean, what is life when you don't have more than enough underwear to be able to avoid doing laundry for weeks at a time? ...Even though I'd never do that, of course. But it really is perfectly alright to wear a pair of underwear with a small hole in the back, just under the elastic. No one will even ever know unless I go up to them and announce "I have a small hole in my underwear, in the back just under the elastic," and people just don't do that, even in New York.

But back to wondering... How did that hole get in my underwear, anyway? It's not like it got caught on something while I walked down the street or anything. I've heard people say your physical state reflects on your mental state, and vice versa. I wonder what it means, then, that I have a hole in my underwear. Am I missing something deep in my life? Is there something I should be looking for, other than the satisfaction of keeping my clean white skivvies in one piece? Is someone trying to tell me something? But really, what a weird way to alert someone to a deficiency in their emotional life... taking it out on their underwear. Heh, taking it out of their underwear, even.

It looks kind of like something took a small bite out of the fabric. Now I don't know about you, but just the idea that there could be something small with sharp teeth waiting around to take a bite of something that close to my ass makes me nervous. I don't want to think about a pack of crazed pixies hovering around behind me waiting to get a good clear shot at my derriere. Maybe they think my underwear should be more interesting instead of just plain white cotton. Something shiny and... well, we won’t go there. I just might have some stuff like that, and I just might wear it on occasion. You know, like on occasions where I think I just might get lucky... although if I ever do get lucky, it's more likely to be on a day when I'm wearing my white cotton, just because. But maybe the pixies are trying to tell me to have more faith, or to try harder, or something like that. Maybe they're also following some guy around and biting holes in his boxers and it's all a big pixy conspiracy to gather a secret society of people with holy underwear.

My grandma always said I should make sure and wear clean underwear in case I was in an accident... like when you're in an accident the most important thing you're going to worry about is whether you’ve changed your underwear in the last twelve or twenty-four hours. Besides, do you really think ER doctors go around looking for the patients with the cleanest, crispest underwear and giving them awards or, you know, their hand in marriage or something? I doubt it. I wonder if you get points taken off for bodily fluids. Accidents have blood and things....

But anyway, maybe the pixies have been following them around, too, and this little bitten hole in the back of my panties is really the only way to identify me as the girl picked as perfect for one of them. I wonder what kind of taste pixies have in men.

Ok, so maybe I'm getting carried away here. I guess I'll just throw my lovely holy white underwear on the top of the hamper and see if the pixies take it as a sacrifice or if it's still there in the morning. And if it is, I'll just deal with it then.