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Fire Island
(April 03)
The sky was still that strange light grey of early morning
over the water. There was a family with two small girls sitting across
from me. They looked excited, but exhausted, as if they had been up all
night in anticipation of the morning. I was on an early ferry to Fire
Island, riding the calm bay waters. I had been to Fire Island as a child
many years ago, probably when I was about the age of one of the girls who
was prancing around her family in the aisles of the boat. My best
friend's parents had a house there, and we spent most of that summer
running back and forth between the house and beach with every ecstatic
discovery. That summer was just amazing; we had such great fun, and they
were like my real family. I was always glad to get away from my own
mother. Her constant scolding left me the scapegoat for anything that
didn't go her way long past when she had any control over me. This time I
only had one day to visit the island; I was in town for the funeral of a
distant, though near-by, relative, on my mom's side, of course, and I was
treating myself to a quiet day exploring before the dreary proceedings.
The wind off the water ruffled my gauzy clothes with a
chill as I stood to lean over the railing. I watched the gulls flying
overhead. My friend’s parents used to call them "bay gulls" because they
weren't on the sea, and joke about their similarity to our favorite
breakfast. The water was very calm, and the small waves lapped a clear
green at the side of the boat as we cut our path from shore to shore. Our
short journey was almost over; it was only a quick hop over from Long
Island, and the weather was good for this sort of travel. I breathed the
smooth, salty air, deeply filling my lungs and soul with its serenity.
The two small girls hurried their parents along, already waiting by the
gates before we had docked. I watched them giggle, visiting memories
through the gates of their uninhibited excitement.
The beach was quiet. It was still early in the season, and
many of the children were suffering through the last warm, lazy weeks of
school. I walked slowly along the shore, nodding to passing seagulls
wandering down the beach on their awkward feet. The waves crashed in,
their swirling white foam making sand eddies right up to my bare toes, but
not quite touching them. The sand was wet and cold and made the bottoms
of my feet feel numb. I ran my hand down through the water and caught a
dozen tiny shells in the net of my fingers. There are always clam and
mussel shells around here, but I really wanted to find one of the curled
ones you can hear the ocean in. I had one when I was younger, but it's
gone off with all the lost socks and too-small clothes and old, forgotten
toys. I needed to take the sea home with me this time. Sure, I've got
mountains, but I grew up with the sea and I miss it like a long-separated
part of me. There's nowhere like Long Island to take the water for
granted and see seagulls in squads on mall parking lot lights and
incurably sandy soil as just another everyday normalcy.
I absently picked up shells as I strolled along the shore,
now with my toes in the cold early-summer water and the wind ruffling my
hair to tickle my bare arms. In May, the water's freezing, but come
September, you could still run right in, as long as you could brave
getting back out into the chill air. I heard a rough voice behind me, but
when I turned the beach was still empty save a few gulls picking their way
through the sand.
"Why don't you to put your jacket back on," the same rough
voice said. "You could catch your death out here on a nippy day like
this," it mocked in a high tone. I looked around the beach again, but
found it still as empty as before. I turned to the water, looking for a
figure floating off-shore, but I couldn't see anything but boats far out
in the waves, out of hearing range. The nearest seagull cocked its white
head to look in my direction with a look that would have been called
quizzical had it been on a human and not a seagull.
I took my haphazard collection of shells and sea glass that
had caught my drifting fingers' fancy and sat myself down on the nearby
rocks, looking still for the speaker. Though the rocks were low enough
they offered little protection, I checked behind them as I sat, making
sure the mysterious voice wasn't coming from someone hiding there. I
turned back to the beach, hoping my new vantage point would grant me some
insight, but after a few minutes of squinting my eyes in the sun
reflecting on the water, my gaze got lost in the rhythmic flowing of the
waves.
I was startled out of my ocean-induced daze by the sound of
a small cough. This sound still seemed to be coming from right next to
me, but I couldn't see anyone for it to belong to. I was completely alone
on the quiet section of beach.
"You never listened to me. You're still not listening to
me," the voice accused. I found myself speaking out loud as my eyes
quickly scanned for anyone just joining me, defending myself against the
still-invisible accuser.
"Of course I'm listening! Why should I listen to you anyway?
Who are you?"
"Don't you recognize the voice of your own mother?! I can't
believe such insolence from my own daughter!" But my mother had been gone
for years, thank goodness. I really hadn't expected to find who knew me
well enough to try to trick me like that on this small beach, and I still
couldn't see where the voice was coming from.
"Look at me when I talk to you!" the small, harsh voice
screeched. The shells next to me rattled like someone had sat down and
they were all jostled in response, and I looked down at what I'd collected
for the first time. A small clamshell wriggled on the rock, pushing all
the shells around it.
"That's better," the voice coming from the shell said.
"Now, I'd like to have a little chat with you." Uh-oh. That kind of
thing coming from my mother always meant bad news. But wait, this wasn't
my mother. My mother was dead and buried in some rich-town cemetery in
Connecticut, where she and her second husband had made their home.
"You never did visit your old Aunt Frieda, did you," the
voice coming from the shell scolded. "And now look, you can't visit her
anymore. Didn't I always tell you when you visited the Island to go look
in on your Aunt Frieda?" God, this really sounded like my mother talking.
She always wanted me to check in on her boring, stuffy relatives because
my place in the city was an hour closer to the Island than where she
lived. I picked up the shell to get a closer look. The outside was the
familiar light blue-grey color of clam shells, curved lines making notches
mirroring the lip at the edge. I had seen hundreds. This was the first
one that had talked to me, though. I attempted prying it open, but almost
got my fingers snapped off.
"Greedy child! There's nothing in here for you," the shell
scolded. "But," she added, "You take this to your Aunt for me. Now, you
make sure it gets there. I'll know if it doesn't." The shell opened up
and spat out a small, rough pearl. I rolled it over in my hand, my
fingers exploring the creamy surface. I caught myself urgently trying to
think of somewhere safe to keep it so I wouldn't get in trouble, and
reminded myself this voice in the shell, or my mother, or whoever was
playing a nasty trick on me really had no way of knowing what I did with
the small prize. And I remembered my jeweler friend on Long Island, the
one who had designed my best friend's wedding ring. He could work magic
with his tools. I probably still had time to catch him at work. I
gathered my pile of seashell memories and walked back across the beach,
still nodding at seagulls and the occasional person enjoying the day, and
headed towards the ferry.
***
"That's a fascinating necklace, darling," another old Aunt
gushed. I was surrounded by the critical eyes of old relatives, far from
the calm beach world of the day before. "Where on earth did you get it?
Maddie, look—she's got the whole shell intact on that chain. It looks
like it just grew with that little silver bit hooking it closed." I
smiled at them and excused myself from their fussing. I walked over to
the casket and closed the pearl into the half-open hand of my Aunt Frieda.
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