All posts by Xiaoxiao Meng

The Bad Handshake: My Experience with Cultural Passing

The first time I talked to my college advisor, I wasn’t nervous. At least, not at first.

“Hey there!” she beamed, extending a hand, “It’s so nice to meet you. I’m Prof. Smith.”

It took me a few seconds to realize that I was supposed to shake it. Grabbing her hand, I hoped she wouldn’t notice my slightly sweaty palms.

By the time I had settled into that movement, I noticed that everyone around me was staring at me, their friendly smiles frozen on their faces. What were they waiting for…?

“Oh! Sorry. I’m Xiaoxiao,” I said, chuckling nervously.

Everyone looked away again, relieved, but it was too late. I was already staring into the ground, my face flushing hotter than the humid New England summer.

I was freaking out–and not for the reasons I thought I would be.

Here’s the thing. When people meet me, they generally assume that I’m American. I speak without an accent, and I present as your average ABC (American Born Chinese) kid.

What they’re usually surprised to learn is that I’ve lived most of my life overseas in China. I moved with my family when I was nine. Unlike many kids who move abroad, I attended a local school for the first four years I was there and ended up absorbing the culture and language alike. So while I pass as American in America, I also pass as Chinese in China.

When I returned to America for the first time in ten years, I thought that attending college in America wouldn’t be a challenge for me at all. For all my cultural complications, I was still American enough. Plus, people here were supposed to be accepting and tolerant toward other cultures… weren’t they?

In a way, I was right. People seemed to read me as American, and they were very pleasant. But as I kept walking away from fumbled social interactions, shaking my head at myself, I realized that something wasn’t quite right.

That was the first time I realized the cultural differences at work between my two countries of origin. It was the first step in a long journey toward coming to terms with being at the crossroads between two cultures, one that will probably never end.

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Explaining the Joke

I have a weird love-hate relationship with translation jokes. On one hand, that little rift between languages makes me chuckle. I think back to myself in the old days, a clueless kid who only had half of the riddle. It reminds me of how far I’ve come as a person.

On the other hand, how good a joke is doesn’t just depend on the joke. Jokes are inherently social. Whether you’re sharing one on the internet for likes and comments or telling one to a friend, there is a certain satisfaction you glean from being able to cause laughter. Because so many of my friends are American (read: non-Chinese speakers), they don’t get why I chuckle.

All jokes are inside jokes in some capacity. They rely on some sense of community. Translation jokes like this one are only funny to people like me who have hopped between two specific languages, and that reminds me of the weird position I’m in. Instead of bridging the gap between two cultures and languages, I hang between them, suspended, never fully inside of one or the other. I am the overlap of a Venn diagram that doesn’t exist outside of me and a handful of other people. My family, families like mine, and some friends.

Once upon a time, I lived in a monolingual world. It was as long ago as any fairytale. My experience overseas hasn’t just given me another language. It has fundamentally changed the way that I think, the way that I communicate, share, even laugh. I’ve always loved words and how they connect people, but now they are much richer. I can’t even remember what it felt to live with a singular language housed in my brain. Language connects, but it also separates, sometimes even isolates.

In the past, this picture would not have made me laugh. Aside from the fact that I probably have developed a worse sense of humor than I had at nine, there’s also the fact that I have changed in a way that is not quantifiable. In a way, it’s just like a joke–when you explain it, it becomes less funny, less potent, less correct. The exact combination of words always slides out of your grip.

Even so, I try.

The translation here is funny because the Chinese isn’t meant to indicate direction. Many Chinese sentences, such as this one, end with a word that roughly means “to” in order to indicate movement or purpose. English has no equivalent.

When I first saw this sign, I laughed and snapped a picture. I barely thought about it. The thought process had become part of me. There was no purpose in that, no movement of thought. I saw the words and they clicked.

Occasionally, I remember who I used to be. A little kid who was scared of anything foreign, unwilling to assimilate into the unfamiliar world around me. A little kid who didn’t find my thoughts reflected in the new language I was learning. But I don’t think about that so much anymore.

There is a thoughtlessness in languages. In jokes. And that is part of what makes them elegant and beautiful.

Of course, that’s just part of the story.

 

Xiaoxiao Meng ’19 is a Comparative Literature major and a Translation Studies Concentrator.  She has spent half her life in the United States and the other half in China. This makes for a lot of terrible self-reflection on identity, culture, and the difficulty of explaining how good real soup dumplings are to American friends.

 

 

 

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