How to help yourself or someone you know

How to Help Yourself

There are many ways to heal, and these are only a few suggestions...

Believe yourself and your feelings, but don't feel guilty for what happened.
Be kind to yourself - set reasonable goals, including the time and patience to see them through.
Know that you don't have to have full recovery of memory of the abuse in order to heal, nor do you have to wait for your family or your offender to heal with you.
You do not have to confront or forgive your offender - taking care of yourself and respecting your own boundaries is most important.
Whether or not you choose to confront or forgive your offender, it is okay to love them.
Give yourself time to work through your emotions and memories.

When you are ready, and it's safe, and if you'd like to...

Break your isolation - tell your story to someone you trust and who can give you support and constructive feedback.
Seek support - individual or group counseling, survivor support groups/networks.
Educate yourself - read a book, attend lectures, keep a journal.
Get involved with the survivors movement and become an activist to end childhood sexual abuse.
Have safe and positive sex.
Try to identify and end self-destructive patterns of behaviors and addictions and learn positive coping skills.
Express your emotions and/or memories through writing, drawing, painting to get them out.
Get your feelings out in a physical way - punch a pillow or throw ice into a bathtub.

Figure out what you can do to be safe while you're at home. Some possibilities...

Be kind to yourself - grant yourself time and have patience with your emotions.
Create strategies with other survivors/allies to remain sane around craziness.
Figure out ways to respect your boundaries, especially around an offender.
Remember and contact your support systems who aren't in the area.
Take home supportive books and journals.
Seek support - individual or group counseling, survivor support groups/networks.
Educate yourself - read a book, attend lectures, keep a journal.
Get involved with the survivors movement and become an activist to end childhood sexual abuse.

How to Help a Friend, Lover, Partner, or Family Member

After a disclosure:

Respect the survivor's confidentiality - not just their identity, but their story as well (they own it).
Believe the survivor, and tell them that you do.
Reinforce that the abuse is never the survivor's fault.
If they are feeling "crazy," let them know that they are responding normally to a crazy situation.
Let the survivor know that they are not alone, and support is available.
Respect the survivor's boundaries; ask if hugs and physical affection are okay.

For Ongoing Support:

Educate yourself about childhood sexual abuse and incest and ending the cycle of abuse.
Validate the survivor's feelings.
Respect the survivors' boundaries, and ask permission, but don't feel that you can't bring up abuse because it is taboo. Your willingness to talk openly about the abuse lessens alienation a survivor may feel.
Offer your support. If a survivor asks for help, then help.
Make your phone number available to the survivor when they go home.
If the survivor asks, go with them to relevant lectures, poetry readings, protests.
Don't verbally accost a survivor's offender, because this puts the survivor in a position to defend their offender (toward whom they may feel love as well as anger).
Supporting a survivor can be both growthful and stressful. It is important to remember that you are a friend, and you cannot "fix" things for someone else. Remember to set your own limits and take care of yourself!
Get involved with activism and politics to end childhood sexual abuse and incest.
Finally, remember that survivors are strong!