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Money
woes are becoming acute at the lodge, as Audrey discovers over
a breakfast of kidneys. Brabinger presents a tray of letters
and she considers them one by one -- garage, electricity board,
gas company, bank, Hobbes the grocer..."'We regret to inform
you that your cheque has...' Has it indeed?" she asks. The
missive from the bank is of particular notice: "First class.
They seem to have money to burn," she sniffs. "Nothing
too serious, I hope, madame," says Brabinger. "No,"
says Audrey, "the bank manager is quite right. It is not
for him to tell me how to economise." Her mood is brightened
somewhat by an invitation to the lord lieutenant's charity gala
-- until she realises that the tickets are £35. What's
more, the invitation is addressed to Mr DeVere, not to her. She
and Brabinger cast about for money-raising ideas, but not even
selling her silver presents a solution: "EPNS," she
notes. "I always try to keep my hand over that," Brabinger
apologises.
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The supermarket is a new experience for Audrey, of course, who, after waiting impatiently for service, announces "If somebody doesn't serve me in a minute, I'll help myself!" She is impressed by the vast range of goods on offer, until she runs into Ned, who is buying, among other things, frozen peas. "As advertised on television," Ned tells her, "all fresh and juicy...lovely and ripe and green they are." "Green?" asks a shocked Audrey. "Do you have a colour television?" "Yes ma'am," says Ned. "But Ned, you live in a tide cottage." "Yes ma'am. But it don't affect reception." Audrey is horrified at the level to which convenience has been allowed to rise: "The whole structure of society is falling about our ears!" After serving Marjory the last of the gin, Audrey launches into another diatribe against Richard, her latest torment being that she can't even afford to go to the charity gala. Marjory notes that it's the price of democracy. "At £35 a ticket it's too expensive," Audrey snaps. "Democracy's all very well, but why give it to the people?" Noting the suspicious goings-on at the manor, with lights and people milling about, Marjory guesses they might be making a film. Audrey is dubious. "They loaned out Harborough Hall to make a film about vampires," Marjory says. "Quite appropriate," Audrey counters, and dispatches Brabinger to find out what's going on. |
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The filming of the commercial is not going well; Richard is stiff and uncomfortable in his hunting pink, and the director, a decidedly American chap called Bob Roberts, feels the setup is not authentic. (Richard's lines include "There are some things we British will always be proud of. Our families of ancient lineage. Our beautiful country homes. But there is one way we can all preserve the traditional flavour of English life.") What it needs, Roberts feels, is a butler to serve the tonic -- and on cue, Brabinger arrives and is immediately co-opted. For a fee, of course. "It's been a long time since I was paid in money for being a butler," he notes. Audrey is unable to discern just what is going on at the manor--Brabinger has not returned and she fears he has been shanghaied by DeVere. She is further thwarted when the curtains are drawn. Marjory is breathless: "Perhaps it's a sex film," she gasps. "With Brabinger?" Audrey says, shocked. Returning to more prosaic matters, Marjory suggests to Audrey that she take a job at the abattoire, noting that women do men's jobs today. "I don't approve of all this sex equality," Audrey sniffs. "I mean, what was wrong with women being the dominant partners?" Upon Brabinger's return to the lodge, Audrey is horrified -- both at the news of DeVere's commercial and at Brabinger's state of inebriation. "They were kind enough to invite me to endorse the gin," he slurs, and Audrey banishes him to the kitchen for some strong tea. "He's been up there knocking back the gin, and I haven't a drop in the place!" she says to Marjory. She answers her own door to find Roberts, inquiring about the use of her Rolls Royce in the commercial. Audrey takes the opportunity to lecture him about the sad state of Britain's heritage, as exemplified by Roberts' use of DeVere for his film. Roberts is dismayed to learn that Richard has only lived at the manor for four months, and furthermore, according to Audrey, "He came over in 1939 without a word of English and lived in the East End of London. Under a tarpaulin." She is further aggrieved to learn that Brabinger has taken a role in the advertisement. "Have you been abusing your position, not to mention degrading your profession, by selling gin?" she demands. "No, madame," says Brabinger. "Tonic." Audrey is not impressed by the difference. "How could you do a thing like that," she scolds. "And for how much?" Brabinger shows her the cheque he received. "That much?!" Audrey exclaims. Her tone toward Roberts changes. "You see," she says, "many of our historic houses are no longer lived in by dukes and duchesses. They're full of Arabs and pop stars, or else they've been bought by the gas board and turned into rest houses for exhausted meter-readers." She proposes instead a genuine British subject for the advertisement. |
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The next post brings more pleasant news: receipts from the garage, the electric and gas boards, and a contrite note from the bank. "'Most distressed to hear you wish to close your account,'" Audrey reads. "Serve him right, beastly little man." The post also brings an invitation from Richard to attend the charity gala; but Audrey decides to turn the tables and offer to take him. The night of the gala, Richard arrives home to find his mother glued to the television, awaiting the airing of Richard's film. "Three days I am sitting here and not a sign," she says. Audrey arrives just in time for the advertisement to start--and there is much consternation when it is Audrey's face that appears rather than Richard's. "Watch you step, my girl," thunders Mrs Polouvicka before storming off. Richard, of course, assumes Audrey did it for the best of all possible reasons: money. But she points out that she also did it to save him the embarrassment of assuming someone else's heritage. "Your background's perfectly presentable...for you," she tells him. Richard is pleased that her new source of income means she won't have to bounce any more checks at his supermarket. They declare a truce, for the evening at least. "Pax Britannica!" says Richard. "Pax Bratislavicka!" counters Audrey, and as they leave for the gala, Richard says "I can't think of a pleasanter way of adding a touch of class." To which Audrey replies, "I never thought I'd hear myself saying this, Richard, but I can't think of a pleasanter way of adding a touch of money." |
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