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Episode 4 || 21 October 1979 || Synopsis || Manor Trivia
Fourth episode of Series 1 (seven episodes)
Guest cast: Michael Ripper (Trotter); Daphne Oxenford (Mrs Patterson); Jayne Lester (Linda)

 
A U D R E Y:
"The price of nine-penny stamps these days."
 
 
A U D R E Y:
"Brabinger, you will soon be joining the ranks of the unemployed."

A visit to the village shop is Audrey's latest lesson in the New Order. On top of learning that Mrs Patterson no longer carries royal game soup ("There's no call for it," she insists; "Of course there is," says Audrey, "I called for it"), falling victim to Mrs Patterson's faulty math and being denied credit, she hears the news that Richard is "knocking hell" out of the manor. Audrey is further chagrined when Richard himself arrives to pick up his special order of cigars, his copy of Horse and Hound and a breaded ham--all, at the fawning insistence of Mrs Patterson, on credit. Audrey accepts Richard's offer of a ride home, however, and inquires about the changes at the manor, which Richard refers to as "functionalizing." "Don't worry, we're leaving the foundations," he jokes. "And you'd be surprised how well the computer bank blends in with the fruitwood panelling in the ballroom."

Audrey returns home to find the lodge in a state of disrepair; Brabinger is wiring the lodge for a bell system so that Audrey may summon him from anywhere in the house, including the bathroom. "I can't imagine why anyone would want to summon you to the bathroom," she says, and, inquiring after the dead pigeon he is lugging about, learns that it was found in the water tank. Audrey is appalled: "I've bathed in that water, I've brushed my teeth in it. I've even arranged flowers in it." "I thought they lasted longer," Brabinger muses. Audrey is not amused. "May I remind you that you are still downstairs even though you live upstairs." She sends him to fetch something she forgot when she drove back from the village. "Yes, madame," Brabinger says." What it it?" "The car," she says, handing him the keys.

When Marjory arrives for lunch, she finds Audrey in high dudgeon. She relates the ghastly details of her visit to the shop this morning, ending with an exasperated "The whole fabric of society is becoming irreparably unstitched." Marjory spots a photo of Audrey at Badminton, asking in a shocked voice if that is the Queen in the photo with her. "Yes, so it is," says Audrey nonchalantly. "I remember, she was there." Spying on the manor from her window, she sees that workmen are indeed carting out the fireplace from the library. Audrey is horrified, but Marjory points out that Audrey herself always hated that fireplace, that it had been installed during the war to block the big hearth. Audrey is undeterred, however ("I doubt he could tell a good fireplace from Adam," she says), and sails off to the manor to assess the damage.

Richard endures Audrey's sarcastic scolding at her discovery that the fireplace has been discarded to make room for a large safe. "Doubtless the work of the great Otto Chubb of Heidelberg, cabinetmakers to the gnomes of Zurich," she drawls; "so much more elegant than an antique Adam fireplace." She points out that her own mantle doesn't even have room for her photo of herself, her horse and the Queen. Richard, deterring her argument, has horses in mind as well, and asks Audrey a favour--he wishes to buy a horse, in keeping with his new station, but has never ridden one and, in fact, is "scared stiff of the bloody things." Audrey is sufficiently mollified by his request for help that she agrees, although, as she points out to Richard, "You can't make phone calls from a horse"; and when Richard rings repeatedly with no success, a horrible realisation dawns on her and she makes a hasty exit. When she has left, Mrs Polouvicka points out to Richard that he should repay the favour by giving Audrey the old fireplace from the den. "Such a lady," she says. "To think she has the queen on her mantelpiece...What have you got over your mantelpiece?" she asks, waving her hand dismissively at the portrait hanging over the hearth. "Just some old painting you found somewhere." "Yes," sighs Richard. "Sotheby's."

Audrey returns to the lodge to find Marjory and Brabinger covered in soot. They tell her that when Brabinger began drilling a hole for the bell indicator in the hearth, the entire fireplace came apart. Audrey is less than impressed; "Brabinger, you will soon be joining the ranks of the unemployed." But Marjory shows her that, behind the small fireplace that Brabinger destroyed, is a huge old Portland stone hearth; again, a fireplace blocked up to save fuel during the war. Brabinger notes that the flue is open, and wonders if it should be swept; probing with his broom, however, brings down a cloud of soot and another dead pigeon. "He's having quite a good bag today," Audrey comments.

The next day, Richard and Audrey set out to buy a horse. The proprietor, Mr Trotter, immediately recognises Richard as an easy mark ("Price isn't important," Richard announces, causing Audrey to raise an eyebrow), but Audrey is unimpressed with all the animals on offer, which include:

  • a handsome animal, "a snip at 5,000," Trotter claims, but Audrey discovers the horse has bowed tendons. "Genuine animal, this," Trotter protests." "Good few seasons left in in this horse." "Yes," agrees Audrey, "pantomime seasons."
  • Fearless, at £3,000. Audrey dismisses him because of his name; Trotter knows the horse is "an absolute coward. It's an old trick. If someone every offers you a horse called Utter Rubbish, buy it."
  • a pony, brought out in response to Audrey's request for something "suitable for someone to learn on."
  • Goliath, a monster, which Audrey claims is too big for his legs. "Could have done with this horse at Cheltenham," Trotter claims. "Yes," Audrey says drily, "I'm sure you'd have had a much better view of the course."
  • Trotter's own horse, which Audrey spies being led out of its stable and which Trotter claims he could not part with. "He's not for sale, ma'am." "Seven-fifty" Audrey says. "Sold."
 
A U D R E Y:
"If someone ever offers you a horse called Utter Rubbish, buy it."

Having saved Richard £4,250, they celebrate with dinner at the inn and return to Richard's study. Richard is suitably appreciative; "I wouldn't have been any the wiser if you'd bought me a bad-tempered old boneshaker with dodgy front legs which threw me -- and then bit me on the way down." "How do you know I haven't?" Audrey asks, bursting into gales of laughter. Richard tells Audrey that, by way of thanking her, he has a surprise for her at the lodge; he has barely finished the sentence before she has begun to run home.

Once there, however, she learns from Brabinger that Mrs Polouvicka, in addition to discovering his bell indicator, has overseen the installation of the old Adam fireplace from the manor, again sealing up the Portland hearth. Richard is quite puffed up about his gift, and says that, in removing another fireplace from one of the bedrooms, they discovered an old Inglenook hearth; "You've never seen anything so beautiful," he says. "I think I might have done, Mr DeVere," Audrey says, barely able to conceal her dismay. "Once."

R I C H A R D:
"You've never seen anything so beautiful."
 
A U D R E Y:
"I think I might have done, Mr DeVere. Once."

  • Mrs Patterson's math results in Audrey paying £5.64 for a £5.59 order, and receiving £.26 change on a £2 note for a £1.72 bottle of sherry.
  • The photo that sets the chain of events in motion is from the time Audrey won the cross-country at Badminton. "I never talk about it," she says.
  • Richard claims to weigh 15 stone, about 210 pounds.
  • Richard asks Audrey to call him by his Christian name in this episode, but she demurs. She does agree, however, that he may call her Audrey.


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